I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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