The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
