It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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