If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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