"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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