woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
