Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
