That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
