I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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