I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
