I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
