He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
