We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
