Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I need water and some morals
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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