Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
