On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
