That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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