I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
