Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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