I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
