I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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