I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
How's work?
Spinning.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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