first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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