Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
