so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
