The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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