i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
