8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
