There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
