Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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