OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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