Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
