I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
