Don't make out with my wife yet
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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