Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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