the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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