The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize