OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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