i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
