We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
