mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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