This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
