This gyro tastes like lonliness
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
