she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
