God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
i now understand why vodka
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
