I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
