dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
