Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
