Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
