Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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