The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
