Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
