Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
