oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
