i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
