Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
